I figure that God really must be really trying to grab ahold of me because in the midst of chaos ~ I can still sense His presense and His leading. He is surely trying to give me some direct orders although I'll confess I'm not quite sure what those are yet.

I've been reading "Call to Commitment" and it is really striking a loud chord within me. For a book written 30+ years ago - it is speaking directly to where I am at. I can only read a bit at a time and then I have to process what she's talking about and try to absorb it. I guess I'm seeing what a genuine sold out, really take it serious, life altering real relationship with Christ can look like (in the form of Elizabeth O'Connor and the others at Church of the Saviour) and I see what could be and what is....and frankly what is, is not what I want. So I'm begging the Holy Spirit to take over. I'm more spiritually aware. I'm longing for intimacy with my Creator. I seek it. And I'm finding it as I spend time in reading and in prayer but also in homeschooling and in cooking dinner. I'm realizing that I'm discovering Christ in the mundane tasks that make up most of my life.

I'm expectant. I know God is shaping and forming me. The work is just beginning, but I'm looking forward to the journey.

I just got a copy of "Call to Commitment" by Elizabeth O'Conner. I've been waiting for this book my whole life! I'm only about 4 chapters in and it is already shaping me and hacking away at my hard heart.

I just came across this quote - read it a few times to really get what she's saying.

...change is one of the characteristics of the Christian community. It should be so much the order of the day that the long undisturbed stretches would make us wonder. We belong to a revolutionary movement. Our task is world wide. We have listened in on the sorrow of God for the lonely and the beaten, for the confused and the driven, for the homeless and the despairing, and we have arrayed ourselves against the principalities of evil. Wherever greed, and lust, and quest for power, and prejudice, and privilege exist, they should find in the Christian Church a threat and an army on the move with a strategy that will change with the shifting lines of the enemy.

Community. In all the different circles I spend time in - this seems to be a buzzword. Isn't it interesting how we are are trying to connect ourselves into the feeling that comes with being part of a larger group of people. We need to know we are not islands - we have a purpose and a point to being here on earth and we discover a bit more of what that point is when we live in community with others.

And yet, I wonder how many of us REALLY are willing to live the way we need to in order to become part of a vital community. Like so many others, my closest group of friends and us were talking about forming a community where we would live together. The more we explored that option, the more it seemed like it would mean us become land developers - which is definitly not where we were at. What we did do was discuss the parts of "community" that we felt were important and we began to develop them. The first thing we decided was to meet together regularly. We have a potluck every week together. Including kids there are over 30 of us so this is no easy task! It isn't like we all have homes that can entertain huge parties! But it is very high on our list of priorities and we make it work. No one misses if they can help it. Our kids LOVE potluck night - the benefit is for them possibly more than it is for us! Another important part of us being together is to serve outside of ourselves. We organized a relief dinner for the Tsunami victims, we have loved and cared for a family who needed love and care, we serve in our Church and give of our creative gifts, talent and time.

But I think the key thing that defines us as a community is that we care for each other. And that means that we have to share of ourselves, warts and all. We have to be open and vulnerable to each other. We have to admit we need others to give us a hand. THIS I think is the part where people just aren't willing to go. It is hard to confess weakness. It is so difficult to swallow pride. To admit we are not able to make it on our own.

One of our group just celebrated her 4th year of sobriety. In her sharing her struggle, in her being willing to tell us that she cannot do it on her own, she brought an intimacy to our group that we could have never acheived without it. She opened a pathway for us all to ask for help. She needs me, and because I know this, I know I can ask her for help when I need it. And same goes for the rest of us. It is amazing to have people in your life who you can count on any time, any where for anything. What a gift God has allowed us to enjoy.

THis quote came across my email from Bruderhof.

How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others... But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness.
~Scott M. Peck

Every Human Heart

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either, but right through every human heart, and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. Even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained; and even in the best of all hearts, there remains a small corner of evil. It is impossible to expel evil from the world in its entirety, but it is possible to constrict it within each person.

Such a busy time. School is now back in full swing, Church activities are gearing up and the weather is starting to change. I'm a happy woman. I love this time of year. The clean sheets of paper, kids that are relatively ready to learn, the coolness in the air, the demolition derby! Yes, the demo derby, which closes out our town festival, was held yesterday. It is a tradition with our family and friends - I call it our Redneck Afternoon. It is hard to believe that cars smashing into each other would be such excellent entertainment. But, well, there it is...

God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good.

I've been mulling this over. What does it mean? How is God good? How is God good all the time? How is it that all the time, God is good?

And more importantly, how do I need to let the Holy Spirit change my skewed thinking to understand that in all circumstances, in all things, God is good. I think if I could realize and grasp this, it would alter the way I view life. I think life would find greater meaning and peace if I could incorporate this perspective into my thought processes.

What a week! A crazy, emotional, incredibly long week. We celebrated Janice's life - it was a beautiful service. My husband outdid himself in his powerpoint presentation. Janice's family gave him old family pictures and he put together a beautiful montage of Janice's life. They were well pleased.

In the middle of it all( & in trying to help out where we could) we had our "3rd Annual Back to School Sleepover Party"! We had 8 kids and the only rules are to play, laugh, eat lots of candy and drink lots of pop. Let's just say we succeeded on all counts! The kids had a blast eating, drinking, watching movies, climbing our climbing wall. They all got to bed around, oh, 2 a.m.! Needless to say we sent home some tired and ornery children!

Today has been spent watching old videos of when the girls were born and just babes. I watched them be born and I can still remember everything so clearly. The smells, the pain(ach), the joy! It feels like I went to bed last night and woke up to an 11 and 8 year old. In Janice's dying I acutely feel the passing of time. It just speeds by at a breakneck pace.

Maybe this week would be a good week to examine priorities. To re-examine the mission statement of my life and make sure all my commitments and activities fit. Death has a way of clarifying the important.