Tonight is Halloween. To be honest, halloween is a love/hate thing for me. I loved dressing up as a kid & obviously LOVED getting candy. Even now, I love watching my kids figure out what they're going to be, deciding on what they can do to create that particular costume, carving the pumpkin, roasting the pumpkin seeds mmmmm, love when they come home so exhausted and happy with pillowcases full of candy.

But, there is that nasty side. The dark side. It's kind of like Darth Vader. I hate the gore, the blood, the freaky costumes. I hate ghosts and goblins and bats and evil. Does bad reign more tonight than in other nights? Probably not. Bad is always present. Now, I have to say, I absolutely believe that Christ redeems ALL things and that when our family takes part in halloween, we do it as Christians who are light in the darkness.

Ah well, maybe halloween, like Darth Vader will turn from the dark side and come on over to the light - to the good. Maybe all things nasty will be banished from halloween and in its place we'll see sweet, kind things.......then again, maybe not.

In our ladies Bible Study we've been exploring spiritual disciplines. Right now we are on week #3 discussing 'solitude'. Solitude.... something I don't think has ever really been a daily part of my life. The author of the book says something like "solitude is me, my sinfulness, my desire for God and my lack of desire for God." I find that utterly absolutely true.

I've been able to take time this last week and a half. Time to sit and be alone and quiet with God. I used to have to sit with my pen and paper(for a list of things to do) or at least with my Bible so I could read. But never could I just sit and be. I've been trying to live in the moment. This living in the moment idea allows me to sit and be with the Lord, and just listen. Just sit. And NOT have to have any other purpose than that.

And in my solitude I'm discovering things. Interesting things and ugly things about myself. I see that I actually understand what makes me tick pretty well. I see that I don't desire God as much as I thought I did.

I'm seeing the need for solitude. I'm seeing the importance of being alone and letting God chip away at the muck that is around my heart.

Nothing like a few enforced stay in bed days to help you get perspective. In my case it was 'arterial fibrulation" or some medical term spelled similarly. I woke up around 6a.m. on Sat. morning with my heart beating over 190 beats per min. It should be somewhere between 70 - 90. I checked into the hospital where they kept me for a couple of days. So there I was, on my back, hooked up to a million machines (ok, 3) just lying there. Not much to do when you're stuck in the hospital. I read a bunch of magazines - a few times each, talked as much as I could to the lady in the same room as me, and the rest of the time - well, I guess it was perspective time.

I realized how unimportant most of the things that I find myself "busy" with are. I found myself thinking about the plans that I'd made that weren't getting done - and shock of all shocks, the earth didn't quit spinning! I thought of how I longed to be with Reid & Caris & Phoebe. How just to hang out with them, laugh with them, spending time talking and sharing - how these were the things that I craved.

I thought about why I was here. Why did God allow me to live - what was it that He wanted to accomplish through me and was I letting Him use me. And in my own, albeit unprofound way I thought these thoughts expressed perfectly in 1951 by Samuel Howard Miller.

It is the rare person who, looking back over his life and seeing what he has done to it, hasn't sighed for a chance to redeem what he has cheaply used or carelessly ruined. If only somehow, somewhere, there was a way to live again the days we have darkened with our blind haste - the innumerable occasions when our indifference trod on all the pearls of God’s graciousness; the times when our pride, or our fear, or our meanness poured the acid of contempt over the fair countenance of another’s soul! If this grace were ours, how we would leap to the chance!

May I not take for granted any longer the grace offered to me.

This challenged me today. I - at this moment anyway - can't embrace everything she is saying but wow, is it food for thought. This was written from Germany in 1921 by Emmy Arnold, who along with her husband, chucked a nice middleclass lifestyle to begin what became Bruderhof community living. As I look around my nice comfy 2400 sq. ft home that houses 4 people and a dog and that takes pretty much ALL our income to sustain....well, let's just say there is room for some challenging questions that soon will demand answers. She writes:

The Sermon on the Mount was both our direction and our goal, but there were other voices that made themselves heard too. Some said, "It is impossible to live up to that today! There will always be rich and poor. You can't eliminate competition. Everyone has to do the best he can with what he has. Otherwise people would soon take advantage of each other's generosity." Yet we could hardly ignore the contrast between this attitude and Jesus' words: "If someone wants to take your jacket, give him your coat as well. Live like the lilies in the fields and the birds in the air. Have no enemies. Love your enemies. Do good to them!" And so we continued to struggle. People asked us, "But what would you do if somebody carried off your furniture?" or, "What if somebody were to rape or kill your own wife in front of you? How could you love such a person?"

A short time later, in the same open-house meetings, we read from the Book of Acts, chapters 2 and 4, about Pentecost.

Now the multitude of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things he possessed were his own, but they held everything in common. There was not a needy person among them, for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of what was sold...Distribution was made to each as had need. (Acts 4:32-35)

Here, we felt, was an answer to our seeking and questioning: community of faith, community of love, community of goods - all born from the energy of that first love. Perhaps we would be an itinerant community, in trailers or on foot, or maybe we ought to build up a settlement. Whatever form it took, we now knew we had to be messengers of a church aflame with love.

My husband is 40 today. I hit the big one a few (ok 10) monthes ago. The old saying goes that some things are better with age. I think Reid is one of them. He was a great young guy at 26 when we got married....but well, he was 26! The years have been kind. He has grown and changed into such an amazing Godly man. It seems that he's really hit his stride at 40. Maybe me too. I feel blessed today. I'm honored to be married to Reid. I'm honored that he's dad to Caris & Phoebe. I'm honored that I've been able to watch him become more like Christ in the 13+ years we've had together.
Happy Birthday m'love.

I should quit reading the news. It really just gets me riled - I suppose it should really drive me to my knees but frankly, sometimes I'm so deeply affected (or dejected), I just cry. I just read a BBC interview that quoted George Bush as having said that God told him to go into Afghanistan, go invade Iraq. God has told him to do everything he has done so far. Not, he felt God was leading in that direction....but God TOLD him to. WHAT??? I have no words. I am no longer angry, just so so sad. Maybe I will get on my knees after all.

I've been challenged (again). Especially the phrase that reads "These are people who live normally by the second mile". That is really what I'd like to be known for. I live by the second mile.

"...we, as christians, must know that the world's deepest need is for saints. These are people who can give themselves in ways which seem fanatical to those who live by the usual ethical and moral norms. These are the people who live normally by the second mile. It is not sporadic with them. They have thrown the familiar "duty" maps away. They are utter fools for Christ's sake. .....Now if Christ be not God, they are utter fools, but if Christ be God, then they are the only sane people in the midst of the insane."
~Elizabeth O'Connor